The Solution Looks Like the Problem

I’ve been sober eighteen years and still don’t fully understand addiction

My best friend since sixth grade called last week and said her little sister needed to go to rehab and she didn’t know where to turn. I didn’t either, but luckily I know people who do. My sober doctor friend came through with resources and she got into rehab. We’ll see what happens.

Now I can’t stop thinking about what a miracle it is to get sober. And a beyond-miracle to stay sober. Most people don’t make it. And not because there’s something wrong with them. But because that’s how powerful Addiction is. It’s a monster.

Her little sister was born when we were ten. I babysat her. I probably changed her diapers. Now we’re all old, and that baby is a grown woman with a son, and she had a blood alcohol content of .48.

.48. That’s coma territory. That’s the edge of death.

I hope she gets out of this.

I know so many people who didn’t. I’m only out of it a day at a time. We all are.

It Takes Everything

My brother was married and deeply in love. But she couldn’t get sober and they had to split up. It was so sad. She loved her kids more than anything. And I kept thinking of her when I went to her youngest son’s wedding. It was so unfair that I could be there and not her. I know she wanted to be there, but Addiction wouldn’t let her. She couldn’t stop drinking.

A few years later, at my brother’s wedding, I found out that she had drunk herself to death.

It’s a gut-wrenching loss. And so common.

Every Addiction Sucks

Addictions are horrible. And so confusing. From the outside it looks like, “Hey, Bub. I couldn’t help but notice your life is falling apart and so are your teeth, so…maybe hit pause on the booze?”

But you can’t just stop. Even if you want to stop. You can’t. That’s what makes it, duh, addiction.

From inside addiction, getting sober is giving up the ONE AND ONLY thing that makes you feel okay. The only thing that’s fun, or that quiets the brain-noise, or lets you sleep or feel like yourself, or gets you through the day. It’s the thing your body’s developed an insatiable craving for and your mind keeps thinking is the greatest thing in the world, even though it’s ruining your life.

You crave the thing that’s killing you.

In active addiction, the problem looks like the solution. And the solution looks like the problem.

Newly Sober Me

I was a mess. Divorced. Not working. I felt gross, ashamed, and defeated. But my hair was awesome. Kidding. Nothing was falling into place.

I had a guy-friend in program who along with many others, helped me get sober. He was sweet to me at a time when I felt completely unlovable. We went to movies and talked about them for hours, got froyo, and watched Lost. All these dorky, wholesome things. These 2 sober alcoholics! I used to do ex and go skinny dipping. And he’d been a crackhead. Now look at us, on It’s A Small World at Disneyland.

He shared a sober tradition with me. He’d stay up until midnight with me on my sober birthday so he could be the first to say happy anniversary. He gave out little billiard ball keychains to his friends, with the number of how many years we’d been sober. He helped instill in me the value of sobriety. Of celebrating sober milestones. Of how to have fun in this new sober life.

And sadly, he relapsed. He was smart and kind, and well-loved.

And found dead, alone in his apartment.

Addiction won anyway.

Recovery is the Exception

I think about the people I know who got sober and built extraordinary lives. My friend Morgan with her incredible family, creative career, thriving non-profit and 78 other endeavors. My friend Jane is celebrating 32 years this week. She was the first person I called when I admitted I was an alcoholic. She’s helped a sea of people in that time through her network of volunteer work she’s created. She created a holiday party every year for women in rehabs and their kids and she actively works in recovery. There’s not a good-to-do that she’s not a do-gooder for. My friend Jeff celebrated 40 years last month. He’s taught meditation for about half of that time, bringing peace to tons of people, all while acting in some of your favorite TV shows.

God Bless us, Everyone

Any addict, any day they don’t use, is experiencing a miracle. Literally, not poetically. I drank for twenty years. I keep thinking of what I’d be like now if I hadn’t stopped. If I’d even exist, which I don’t think I would.

Recovery is real. It’s just not the most common outcome. The odds are not in the addict’s favor. No matter how much they want sobriety. Maybe 30% of people get sober, and fewer stay sober. Who knows? It’s impossible to track who wanders into meetings or reaches out for help.

But I hope my friend’s little sister get it.

And for everyone who wanders in and asks for help, I hope they get it.

I always hope they get it.