7 years ago I went on a date that changed my life in one question. Here’s what happened.
First, I was dumped. Ultimately it freed me up to find the right guy, but it didn’t feel like that at the time. Getting dumped in my 40’s felt like missing the last copter out of ‘Nam. You’re taking off? Welp, die alone it is, then!
I had to fall apart, then put myself together. After some down time, ranting, healing, raving, soul searching, and a few sexuality workshops, I went back on the dating apps.
You know dating apps. Those websites where you make up lies to trick someone into loving you.
I used to really try to cast a wide net with those things. My thinking was: more is better. Reel in as many guys as possible, then sort it out later. Sometimes for the little intriguing headline part, I’d put a Star Wars reference like “Han Shot First.” A lot of guys like Star Wars, right? I figured it upped my odds. And I like the franchise just fine, but I don’t really know what the phrase means. I don’t have a strong opinion on whether Han did or did not shoot first. Moreover, I don’t fully understand the implications either way. I just know that my friend says it, and, well, he’s a guy. And who cares - WILL SOMEONE JUST LOVE ME???!!!
I was inspired by something my friend comedian Jackie Kashian says, “I’m not for everybody. But you just need one.”
And I tried something new: giving up.
Not on trying to find someone. But on trying to impress. On trying to make myself seem like I’m the right fit for someone. I always feel too much and never enough. So instead of trying to squeeze myself into some idea I had of a more acceptable me, I just put myself out there. Like, hey, I’m this.
Which I recommend. This is my best advice: On dating profiles, before you sign up, give up.
So, one day I abandoned all hope and decided to tell it like it is. My new headline: Wordy, Nerdy and Kinda Sturdy.
Stunningly, someone responded. His favorite color was plaid. He plays trumpet. This was not the Jake Ryan I was trained to look for. But he seemed nice. Actually, something deeper than nice. Like someone I could trust. Because he didn’t seem to be trying to impress me, either. He was just like: hey, I’m this.
On dating apps, no matter how you look, you get uncomfortable opening messages. Anywhere from Hey Sweetheart, you’re hot, to Nice breasts! to Here’s my manifesto on how I like my sex… Things that no one would say to you as an opener if you met in real life.
This guy said, “Hey! You like Mitch Hedberg! He was so great. What’s your favorite joke? Mine is: “An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.” I fired back with "donut receipts,” of course.
And we started messaging. Then we planned a date.
Well, I planned the date. Our initial phone call was awkward. He was kind of fumbling and bumbling. When we discussed a restaurant, he blurted “I don’t make plans! I mean, I’ll show up. But you make the plan. I’m not a planner! I’m not good at plans!”
Wow. This was not the Jake Ryan I was looking for. And it could be a red flag. But I had to consider that my ex was great at making plans….to see other women while we were together.
So maybe it was time for a non-planner.
I picked The Smoke House, a legendary old steak house by Warner Brothers. He’d never been, and I thought he’d like it because it’s old-timey and he’s a Jazz guy.
When I walked in, he was at the hostess stand. So then we had the online dating Eye Test. Now that we see each other IRL, do we proceed? Seeing reality is always a little worse or better than pictures. But we silently gave each other the go-ahead with a smile. I was chubby, he was bald, we were even. We were shown to our table.
I’d downplayed myself on the dating profile, but when it came to meeting in person, I did it up. For me, anyway. Normally, I dress like a drunk Art teacher, but I wanted to show up well: skirt and heels and hair and cleavage and face paint. The whole 9.
Then it got weird.
Mid-way to the table, a waiter got between us. He was carrying a giant tray over his head, and got distracted. The tray started to tip toward me. I thought, It’s not going to fall, he’s a professional waiter…whoop! Here it comes!
It fell and hit my chest. Plates, cups, and half-eaten shrimp scampi crashed to the floor.
Everything stopped. People stared. I stood, frozen, thinking, How could this happen? What am I supposed to do? And who doesn’t finish their shrimp scampi? It’s like, twenty-five dollars. And there’s only four of them.
As waiters rushed over to check on me, I checked in with myself. How do you feel? Do you need to raincheck the date? You were just attacked by appetizers.
I assessed that I was fine. Only slightly mortified. But miraculously, nothing goopy got on me.
So I proceeded to the table where this guy, Brian, was already seated. He didn’t know what to do either. But he looked across the table at me with caring, considerate eyes and asked, “Are you okay?”
I said that I was. That it was embarrassing and created a weird shot of adrenaline. But that, yes, I was alright. Thanks.
Then he asked a question that changed my life.
He said, “Can I laugh now?”
It was so bold and ridiculous and kind of inappropriate, but also honest. And kind of perfect. Or at least perfect-for-me. He was nice, but a smartass. Something that in retrospect seems so obviously my type. I kind of loved him for this moment. I felt safe. And we did laugh.
About two minutes after that, a gorgeous fast-talking woman with a Columbian accent came over holding a camera. She took those souvenir photos you can buy on the way out. She urged us to sit together, to squish in. Kiss! Kiss! So she could get a picture for us.
This was a lot for just a few minutes into Date 1. Sober, anyway.
I knew I would kiss him eventually, but I didn’t want it be because we were bullied into it by Sophia Vergara’s cousin. But I also knew I wanted the picture of our very first date. Hoping it would be my last first date.
That happened 7 years ago this week. We’ve been together ever since.
Come see me perform at Party On Sober Comedy Show Jun 2 at 7 pm at The Crow in Santa Monica along with JOHN HENSON and CATHY LADMAN! GET TIX HERE Use Discount code hellomynameis for $5 off
We’re there the first Sunday of every month with killer line-ups
And here’s the video performance of this story from It’s Funny Now Storytelling show in Los Angeles.
This is the cutest meet cute I’ve ever read !! My fave line “Normally, I dress like a drunk Art teacher”. Way funnier because you don’t drink!!! Love love this Laura ! You are a gem of a comedic storyteller. People in LA, go see this woman live !!