I stopped dieting a year and a half ago. But I was in that up-and-down cycle for decades. So now I have this peculiar blank spot inside. A tiny love-hate longing. Like vaguely missing an ex-boyfriend when you see his mugshot, “Aww, Todd was sweet in a way.”
I came to dieting late in the game, at ten years old. I was prodded to lose weight at eight by my…I’m going to say self-hating, anorexic… Granny. She sat at our kitchen table, chain-smoking and told me boys would never like me unless I lost weight. Then she suggested I make a girdle out of tire inner tube, the kind we had in the back yard. (Say you’re from Texas without saying you’re from Texas).
I didn’t make tire Spanx or duct-tape corset of any other hillbilly apparatus. But at ten, I dove into my first crash diet. I lost ten pounds. One pound for each year of my life. In 7 days I extreme-ate myself to a new and acceptable body. I was hooked.
The concept of diet, as in “that way you eat” has always been around. But the idea of a diet as in “that way you eat for a little while to lose weight” seemed to start in the 19th century. William Banting, an English writer in his 60’s, had struggled with his weight for 30 years. I hear you, Billy! He’d tried to lose weight 20 times to no avail. Pprrreeeaaacchhh!! He went to all kinds of experts. Same, buddy. SAME! Then he found one who told him to stop eating: bread, butter, milk, sugar, and potatoes. And beer. In about 9 months, he went from 202 to 167 pounds. I just emerged from a deep-dive on this and discovered that he mostly ate meat and drank wine. Not a bad way to go, Willy! Eager to share the secret and help others, he self-published “ A Letter on Corpulence” in 1863.
A hundred-plus years later, I was Granny-shamed and jumped into the Dolly Parton diet. Which apparently had nothing to do with Dolly Parton. Someone just slapped her name on the Cabbage Soup Diet. The nerve!
And that’s when I learned that I loved dieting. I even loved to hate dieting. There’s a particular thrill to the Starting Over of it all. A specific high to the It’s Gonna Work For Sure This Time dream.
Dieting: A Quick Timeline:
6 Weeks Before Diet
Start hearing about The Diet online and on TV. React with doubt and contempt. I am not falling for another stupid diet. No thanks, jerks!
One Month Before Diet
Diet shows up in personal newsfeed and friend chatter. Curiousity piqued. Fantasies tapped. Hmmm, might this new caloric concoction bring me my hip hopes and dreams?!
8 Days Before Diet
Someone I know says they know someone who tried it, and they lost weight. Hook inserted. Someone who knows someone? This might be for real.
3 Days Before Diet
An actual human who I actually know says they tried it and lost 17 pounds. 17?! Destiny sealed. Oh, I’ve gotta try this!
Buy the book. It takes too long to be delivered. Go straight to the bookstore. Been a long time since I bought a book IRL. First few places are out of business. Bookstores turned into Whole Foods turned into Amazons Fresh. Finally find a Barnes and Noble, instinctively know where the Diet section is (now called Health and Fitness), beeline to it. Nab the last copy. Just in time!
2 ½ Days Before Diet
Devour the book. Well, not the whole book but the part where they say exactly what to eat. Yes, this is it. It all makes sense!!
IMPORTANT: Only see the good parts. ALL pros, no cons. This is my wheelhouse. I am a pros pro.
Atkins pros:
Bacon and cheese! Yes!
Body-for-Life pros:
There’s a cheat day! Yes!!
Jenny Craig pros:
One breakfast is a tiny cheese souffle. Plus that one dessert is clearly a repurposed Zinger! Yes!!!
2 Days Before Diet
Trash the kitchen, fridge, pantry, and cabinets. Everything that’s Not Diet must go, go, GO!!! This is a thrill. Look how seriously I am taking this. I am in this to WIN THIS!!
1 Day Before Diet
Last Supper. I’m eating all the soon-to-be forbidden things because it all changes tomorrow, baby! Make that Last Breakfast and Last Lunch, too! THAT’S how dedicated I am!
Another 1 Day Before Diet
Repeat yesterday with all the foods I didn’t get to yet. NOW I’m ready!
Day of Diet
5:55 am Exercise
Who even am I??!! This is great! I might even sign up for a marathon.
7:11 am Drink Water
Oh man, I am killing it!
8:04 am Eat Diet Breakfast
This is actually pretty great. I could do this forever!
9 am Drink MORE Water
I am KING of The Diet!
10 am Feel a Little Hungry
Just a little. It’s fine. IT’S FINE.
10:15 Drink More Water
Am getting really sick of water.
11 am Eat Diet Lunch
It’s a little early but I have to give myself time to get used to the change. That’s just good self-care!
12 pm Avoid Pizza in Breakroom
I’m a Hero! Where’s my medal?! Someone call Guinness World Records! Or Oprah! Or at least Gayle!!
12:02 pm Eat Pizza in Breakroom
The boss ordered it for the whole team and it’d be weird to NOT eat it. It’d be pretty much exactly like quitting. Plus, the Diet Lunch I ate was more like a snack, and I ate it, like, at least 4 hours ago!
12:37 pm Re-Dedication to Self Love
What am I even dieting for? Can’t I just love myself as I am? If God didn’t want us to eat pizza, He wouldn’t have made all those coupons for it.
Diet Night One Put Diet book on shelf with all the others
Enjoy decadent dinner with dessert as if I’d been a castaway on an island for four years with Tom Hanks and volleyball Wilson.
Today, I’m 90 pounds down from my top weight with the intention to maintain it. I sometimes lost weight with the get-rich-quick version of eating, but I never maintained, even for a few months. To lose, I essentially had stop eating all the foods I couldn’t stop eating. Not so different from William, but with way less wine. And a whole community of support.
Sending love to all of us who struggle with body-image, the scale, the diet, and the “hypertrophy of the adipose tissue” as it’s described in Banting’s “Corpulence” pamphlet. We are targeted by Big Diets, Big Pharma, Mean Grans, and more. And it is tough.